Me and Mr. Wrong

Beauties, we all have that one guy. Y'all know what I mean...that one guy your heart belongs to, that one guy you would do anything for. He's also that one guy who is TERRIBLE for you, like you couldn't pick a worse partner if you were blindfolded, spun three times and let loose on the set of Wrong Turn 5. And it's not necessarily that he's altogether bad. He's just bad FOR YOU!

Well, I took some left turns along my journey and ended up with him. He was everything I THOUGHT I wanted: the cliched "tall, dark and handsome" didn't do him justice in my opinion at the time. We connected on social media, became flirtatious 'friends' and then that graduated to 'friends with benefits' and that was my first wrong turn.

Pretty soon, I formed an emotional attachment to him and I wanted more than just a roll in the hay. Please bear in mind that I had set the standard already. I gave him my body without any kind of commitment or standards set up. This was completely outside of God's will! God has always intended sex to be enjoyed in the context of marriage.

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. (Genesis 2:24 KJV)

Yet here I was trying to do things the Riana way. Needless to say, he dismissed the idea of a real relationship but I still continued to hang around hoping that he would change his mind. For two years, I held on hoping for the best. Eventually, I had to admit that despite his words which placed nuggets of hope within me that we would get serious and settle down, I was doing it all wrong and Mr. Wrong was keeping me as a ‘just in case’ booty call. There were many blaring red flags which SHOULD have shown me that he was all wrong for me but I ignored them all because I was no longer sober in my thinking. Sex, in the wrong context, had clouded my judgment and blinded me to the truth.

THERE ARE ALWAYS SIGNS!

The problem was that I started wrong and wanted to end right. It didn't work. So many of us do this! It's the wrong time, wrong man, wrong order but we want God to bless it. It can't work. God does not bless mess!

The Silent Zone

• There is a drastic decline in the frequency of communication. If you give your body to Mr. Wrong, you’ll notice that the calls stop coming, messages are scarce. The way he relates to you changes. You are no longer a challenge, a conquest to be had.

Disappearing Acts

• When the 'friends' is dropped but the 'benefits' remains. Mr. Wrong appears only when he wants to have sex. Outside of those times, cue the crickets.

Excuses, excuses!

• This sign is characterized by broken promises along with excuses as to why those promises were broken. No shows, shady stories and far fetched alibis are the order of the day.

Throw me a Bone

• A.K.A Sweet nothings. "I really like you but I'm not ready for a relationship yet.", "I love you but I don't want to ruin our 'friendship'.", "I've never met anyone like you.". These declarations usually come when you decide to leave the situationship and you communicate that to Mr. Wrong. The bones keep you hanging around, hoping that one of them will actually have some meat on it!

You don't need anymore signs that he's not the one!!! Your pain is a sign! His inconsistency is a sign! His lack of respect for you is a sign!! Dem nuh need nuh mo’ red flag!

Some of you are in imaginary relationships: real to you but non-existent to him. You've never been out in public with him. You've never met his friends far less his family! Your 'relationship' is relegated to sweet nothings and sex. I promise you there's something better out there, there's someone much better out there and he's located smack dab in the centre of God's will.

Deep down inside, I knew that Mr. Wrong didn't love me. I knew that I was not a priority for him. All of his actions proved these things. I smelled of desperation and low self esteem. No effort was required for him to get or keep me.

My standards were beyond low and after two years of back and forth, Mr. Wrong told me that all of his friends had gotten married and it was time for him to settle down...with someone else. Not only that, he wanted to continue to have sex with me in secret while he courted a nice young lady. That was the last straw for me. I declined his offer. I was devastated to say the least but I had made my bed and I had to lie in it.

I found out about a week later that he and his 'someone else' were going overseas together. When I tell you that thing made me sick. It literally made me sick. One of the worst parts about the situation was that I had done it to myself. There had been many CLEAR signs that he was Mr. Wrong but I had ignored them because I wanted to FEEL loved. I went through unnecessary heartache because I had disobeyed God and had refused to listen to wise counsel! Not only that, but I was ruled by my emotions. I ran with the wind and whatever I FELT, I dwelt on it and let it dictate my actions. I had no clue what love really was so I couldn't identify it, I couldn't give it and I certainly couldn't receive it the right way. I thought that sex was love but boy was that far from the truth!

If anything above sounds remotely like your life, please, listen to wise counsel!! My friends told me to leave Mr. Wrong and to cut ties with him. My mother told me that he was not the one for me and that he didn’t truly love me. In short, everybody and their grandmother saw the red flags and told me to quit but I was adamant that they didn't know him. I even got angry and told everyone to let me live my life. I felt like no one understood. In reality, I was living in rebellion to God and my friends and family were trying to protect me from the heartache that was surely ahead if I stayed with Mr. Wrong.

When we choose to get involved with someone who does not know the Lord or is not mature in the faith, it’s like yoking an ox and a donkey together and expecting them to be productive. Pastor Cornelius Lindsey uses this analogy all the time. The most memorable fact about a donkey is that it’s stubborn, an ox on the other hand is hard-working and submissive. That donkey might be willing to submit today, tomorrow and even the next day but eventually that donkey’s inherent stubborn nature will take over and it will be counterproductive to the overall mission of the couple, which is to honour God.

Back then, God was a last resort for me. I'd only go to Him when there was no guy was in my life, when all of my distractions were gone. He came second to a man and when you make an idol out of a person, God will allow the consequences of your decision to teach you that people are fickle. They want one thing today and another thing tomorrow. I had to reach the point where I chose God and put Him FIRST in my life.

I had to give up that relationship. I had to surrender that area of my life to God. I had to come to the point where I recognised that my will was only resulting in heartache and pain. My way wasn't working and it certainly wasn’t pleasing God!

Ladies, please don't leave the safety of God's protection and presence for a man. It's not worth it. Take it from someone who knows. I've been there and done that and I can assure you that there is nothing in this world that is better than the presence of Jesus. There is nothing more enduring than His love. His love for you is sturdy. It can bear up under anything!

Are you in love by yourself? When it comes to romantic relationships, reciprocity is a must. Some of you are in one sided relationships. If he only calls you when he wants to have sex, run. If it's been years and he's never introduced you to family, run. If it's been months and he's never taken you out in public, but y'all bumping and grinding in the bedroom, run!!! The signs are always there but we ignore them because we get an "I love you". An "I love you" means nothing without the actions to back it up. Giving a man your body will not make him love you.

I cannot stress enough how important it is to KNOW who you are before pursuing a romantic relationship! If you don't have a HEALTHY and ACCURATE view of yourself, you are likely to end up settling for the wrong people and/or ruining every relationship you get into. You need to stay single until you know who you are in Christ! Don't focus on finding Mr. Right, instead, focus on becoming a woman after God's heart.

I had to pray and ask God to break that soul tie. I prayed that God would break every connection made through words and through sex. I renounced every promise, every vow spoken to him. I did it all. That was the easy part. The hardest part was getting to the stage where I actually WANTED God to break the tie. That didn't happen overnight.

If you’re struggling with ending a relationship you know is not good for you, I encourage you to study the word of God. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 is a great place to start. This passage of scripture changed my life!

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

When I began to hold the mirror of this passage up to my life, I could then see what love should look like both as a receiver and as a giver.

Love is patient. If he truly loves you, he will wait until you walk down that aisle on your wedding day. Love is not self-seeking. Lust takes but love gives. If he loves you, he will give of his time and effort to you. If he loves you, he will seek to protect you from shame and disgrace, he will seek to protect your purity and treat you in such a way that God is glorified.

I want you to know that you won’t have to compromise your standards to keep a GODLY man. You won’t have to uncover yourself for him to ‘test you out’ to see if you’re the one for him. No, Mr. Right will be going in the same direction you are. Say no to the donkeys and wait for your ox. With knowledge of my identity, came high standards. I am worth a commitment. I am lovely and lovable. I am a daughter of the King and I deserve to be treated as such.

I know that being single can be a lonely road at times. I know that being abstinent is not an easy task especially in this day and age where everything is hypersexualized but I challenge you to find Godly accountability, allow Godly friends into your circle who can encourage you in this journey and most importantly, enjoy your singleness!

Travel, go out with friends, spend time with God, worship, sing, dance, serve others. I imagine that it gets more challenging with time but I’m happy being single at this point in my life. I love the freedom I have to spend all the time I want with God, to go buy a plane ticket and see the wonders of the world, to do volunteer work. It’s amazing.

I believe that if you have the desire to be married, God will bring it to pass in His time. Don’t spend your singleness waiting. Spend it serving, spend it growing, spend it seeking God about your purpose. “Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.” (Colossians 3:1-3) God bless you, beauty. Be everything God placed you on this earth to be.

Say it with me:

“I am worth a commitment. I am lovely and lovable. I am a daughter of the King and I deserve to be treated as such.”

Believe it!

Prayer: Heavenly Father, thank You for Your amazing love for me. In the name of Jesus, help me to honour you with my life and body. Cut every relationship in my life that does not glorify You. Help me to walk in holiness and purity before You. Help me to make the most of my season of singleness. Help me to seek you like never before, help me to serve You and others, diligently and become the woman you have called me to be.

#relationships #MrWrong #purity #Jesus #Christian